(NOTE: This blog is different than the others: It is not a travelogue, but instead Lexie’s reflections on discovering during the genealogy portion of our trip that she may have descended from Jews who were forced to convert to Christianity. Your comments are welcome.)
I’ve never had a crisis of faith before. My whole life I’ve been a Christian, no questions asked. The one time I thought of leaving my faith, becoming an atheist like my father and sibling, I worried that God would be mad at me for it–and with that thought, I realized that I believed He was real with my entire soul and there is nothing I can do about that.
Learning my family may be of Jewish descent has rocked my world.
Christians and injustice
I know Christians have been the cause of a lot of injustice in the world. As a lesbian of faith, maybe more aware than most. I see religion used as an excuse to discriminate against others like me on a regular basis, and it’s an evil I have to live with. But I know that the God I believe in made me just the way I’m supposed to be, and that’s not a sin.
It’s entirely different to learn that the reason I’m a Christian might be because my ancestors were told to convert or die. It’s like my faith has turned on me–my beliefs haven’t changed, but the context has. Through very brief research, I’ve learned the term for what I am: Bnei Anusim, descendants of the coerced ones. Fully assimilated Christians today, one of millions or more.
And learning this as anti-semitism is rising in America, so close to the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting where 11 people were murdered for simply practicing their faith… I’m terrified. Terrified, disgusted, conflicted. I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know if the answer paints a target on my back.
What is Judaism?
I want to learn more about my heritage, and I want to learn more about Judaism. But I’m more scared now, over the prospect of being a Jew, than I was when I realized I was gay. Nazis didn’t care if you practiced Judaism, just what was in your veins. Why would Neo-Nazis be any different?
I don’t know if I’d be considered a Jew but it ultimately doesn’t matter. Discrimination based on sexual orientation is legal behind pleas of religious freedom. A candidate for mayor in Colorado believed trans people were possessed by demons, and our president wants to take their rights as well. I’m not going to delude myself into thinking he considers me worthy of human rights. Autistic and otherwise neurodivergent people were sent to asylums to be horrifically mistreated for large parts of human history, and are still sent to prison in staggering rates. I’ve been harassed by police officers as a child for acting in ways deemed odd because of how my brain works, and I was a little white girl.
If you aren’t scared by our political climate right now, you should be. Because our rights are not secure, and America’s government is only a Republic if we can keep it. There is no time for indifference when students are afraid of being killed when they walk into school. When places of self-expression can so easily turn into war zones. Politics aren’t optional when lives depend on them.
Violence is a gaping wound from the past, and it will bleed us dry if we don’t act to stop it.
Next Up — Italy, Part 6: Bob’s Extra Day in Rome
